Saturday, 1 April 2017

Life - The scoop and digest

Can Daniel Espinosa defy low expectations and deliver something other than a kick to the nether regions?

In deep space, assumption is the mother of all fuck ups.

Jake Gyllenhaal - Dr. David Jordan
Rebecca Ferguson - Dr. Miranda North
Ryan Reynolds - Rory Adams
Ariyon Bakare - Dr. Hugh Derry
Olga DihoviChnaya - Ekaterina Golvkina
Hiroyuki Sanada - Sho Murakami

On their return from Mars, a six-strong crew aboard the International Space Station capture a space probe containing soil sample.

Biology expert Derry is able to extract a single cell from the sample and revives organism by changing atmosphere.

Mysterious creature appears to be muscular and intelligent.

One thing's for sure, there is life on Mars.

And no, Lennon's not on sale again.

Crew partake in Q&A session with kids via video link and they assure alien (dubbed Calvin), will be kept in space to study.

An accident in the lab causes Calvin to be dormant again and Derry pokes it with his wand.

No sexual innuendo intended of course.

Curiosity outweighs its fear and Calvin crushes Derry's hand.

Swapping arm for hand? They more than likely watched Prometheus.

Ripping through glove, nasty little bastard is free.

Adams plays the hero and manages to rescue Derry, but Calvin grows attached to his leg.

To keep Calvin contained, they seal Adams inside room.

It might be an idea to kill this fucking thing.

Handheld incinerator unit does jack shit and after forcing its way into laughing tackle, Calvin kills Adams from the inside.

Emerging from Adams' corpse, Calvin has evolved into a large octopus/starfish thing, and escapes through a vent.

Cut off from Earth, Golvkina attempts to fix antenna, but Calvin ruptures suit's coolant system, effectively drowning her.

Fuel is practically dry and although thrusting out of decaying into normal orbit will get them out of shtook, Calvin will be let back in.

Decisions, decisions.

As they have no idea if Calvin will survive atmosphere re-entry, bullet is bitten.

Calvin hibernates when starved of oxygen, so needs to be deprived of air.

The remainder seal themselves in a module and vent off all oxygen.

No life support, no life, right?

Derry suddenly goes into cardiac arrest and sneaky fucker Calvin has hid inside Derry's trouser leg.

Sho makes a break for bed pod and before Calvin gives him a cuddle, Jordan and North trap it inside a module using Derry's blood as bait.

Soyuz capsule (sent by Earth Control as a fail safe in response to an SOS), pushes ISS and Calvin's module into deep space.

Sho makes the fatal error of opening hatch and Calvin pisses on escape party.

Mayhem ensues, with Sho sucked into space and capsule smashing into ISS.

Incident causes temperature to rapidly decrease and oxygen is running out.

Jordan calls two emergency escape pods pre-programmed to reach Earth and plans to trap he and Calvin inside one, while North enjoys the trip home.

Geezer sacrificing ass for a woman?

How noble.

If strategy works, controls will be manually overridden, ensuring Calvin is stranded forever.

Shit doesn't go according to plan, as North is thrown off course and Jordan struggles to send pod to destination damnation.

Pod crashes into Ha Long Bay and just before Vietnamese fishermen take a peek, North is seen screaming in space and a cocooned Jordan cannot prevent peeps from opening Pandora's Box.

As other boats arrive, screen fades to black.

Surprisingly good

I was expecting a steaming pile of clich├ęd extraterrestrial shit, but...

Calvin (who the fuck settled on that name?) won't rock any worlds, but invincible antagonist shows no mercy.

Okay, premise is obviously lifted from a certain 1979 classic, but even with North committing the xenomorphic crime of recording a Ripley-style report towards the end, (which stupidly gives away twist ending), doesn't spoil a well acted and skilfully made spectacle.

Escape pod sequence towards Earth stealing Gravity?

Fuck you film.

Lovecraft reference near beginning did make me chuckle.

Before Calvin gets nasty, Adams remarks "This is some Re-Animator shit."

North retorts "An obscure reference."

"Not if you're a nerd," says Derry.

Promequel Alien: Covenant is the big one, but hats should be taken off to entertaining and suspenseful stop gap.

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