Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Data East's video game adaptation is faithful to Robocop. Err...

Back in the 80s and 90s, action movies and iconic chars that those actors portrayed were always going to make the jump from the big screen to our computer screens.

The idea of controlling and forcing our celluloid tough nut heroes to replicate their many actions was extremely appealing to youngsters and even more satisfying in its application.

Inevitably, there were a plethora or badness, mediocrity and some even showed the balls to be good.

Nowadays, the tables have turned as it’s the small screen that makes it way to the big screen...

The quality of pixels of the selected few I've chosen is not really an issue and I couldn't really care less if these are the best and/or worst games ever.

What I’m most concerned with is the authenticity and the events that actually occurred within these games that really 'didn't' in the films.

I've heard of artistic licence but the developers distorted occurrences to a disturbing and perverse degree.

As events unfold, try and picture what stage the game is at compared to the actual film.

Or if you want; I’ll do it for you.

However, imagining such a vision is dangerous...

Central and other chars will exist, but apart from that?  Forget it.

I could have chosen any port and/or unique home version but in the end the unlucky winner is the 1988 Data East arcade adaptation of Robocop.

The 1987 Paul Verhoeven movie is one of the best films of the 80s and remains a classic.  I can only shudder to think what the reboot is going to be like... 

Enjoy all the mayhem as you’ll see chainsaw wielding midgets, grenade throwers and chronological chaos.

A longplay video will accompany this and each ‘mess’, so you can enjoy all the important bullshit by just skipping to relevant part, as stated.

Directive 5 – it’s all fucked up.

Before we even get to the actual game, have a look at this High Score table.

Hmmmm, apart from the obvious, a peculiar set of choices.  What's with 4-8?  Who are these people?

Listen at 14s to 17s when Robo lists his prime directives.

Poor old Robo, Data East didn't even give him a chance to catch a breath.

I guess he was in a hurry to stop a 'Crime in Progress'.

Here's a factual error (we haven't even started the game yet) and it's on the title screen.


The future of law enforcement wasn't Robocop, it's ED-209.

You can't argue with the primary source and that's quite obviously - the film.

Dick Jones states:

"Fellow executives, it gives me great pleasure to introduced you to the future of law enforcement [slight pause] ED-209!"

Robocop was created by Bob Morton as a contingency against ED-209's malfunction and the massacre of Kenny.

Before Bob Morton introduces Robocop to the good guys of OCP, he eventually says...

"It is my great pleasure to present to you.. Robocop."

At no point is Robocop ever introduced to be the future of law enforcement, is it another one of those misconceptions?

If anybody can actually state otherwise, well good luck.

Finally, to the game and wow, try and enjoy my analysis. 

At 1m 48s, you fight ED-209.  I seem to remember Robo was first introduced to 209 when he unwittingly activates Directive 4 during the failed arrest of Dick Jones.  What’s more, he didn’t have the brucie of a gun.

It also features a classic line from Dick Jones (Ronny Cox).

"I had to kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake, now it's time to erase that mistake."
The strangest bit during this fight is that at 1m 53s to 1m 55s, he states ‘Your move Creep’. 

Okay, that’s a direct quote from the film but that happens just after he shoots a would-be rapist in the balls....

At 3m 39s to 4m, another boss and it appears to be Emil’s van.

After damaging it, enemies pour out of the back, which include chainsaw guys.  What?

At 5m 14s, a level is introduced as a junk yard and gangsters populate it.

First of all, there’s a huge difference between gangsters and criminals, Clarence and co being the latter...

In the film, it’s actually described as the Steel Mill, and that’s the penultimate scene.

This junkyard features up and down magnets with an amusing woooo woooo noise.  Who’s controlling them?  Who knows and who cares.

Right, move a little forward and at 6m 42s to 7m 08s and I don’t remember Robo having to overcome this obstacle...


Shortly after defeating this inappropriate myth, between 7m 15s to 7m 22s, watch as an unknown walks towards Robocop to give himself up.  The text scrolls to inform ‘I got you’ and he’s ordered, ‘Take me to Dick Jones’.

Assuming it is Clarence, he appears throughout the stage with his cobra assault cannon so I guess he has lots of twins.

Rewind, did Robo actually ‘get’ anybody as his apprehension was voluntary.

So who the hell is this?  The only possibility is Clarence.  Okay, but using this terrible assumption, this is in the wrong setting as this is where Mr Boddicker dies in the film. 

Can it actually get any fucking worse???

Well yeah, of course it can because the next stage is the drug factory.

I’m now in no doubt that Data East are smoking something lethal as naturally this makes my sound theory impossible as that’s where Clarence is actually found by Robo.

Further to this, Dick Jones was never at the drug factory, so Robo’s demands on the former stage make no sense, unless his system bios got confused.

To kick the stage off, his car can be seen and I thought he busted down the door, not forced his way in with wheels.

Anyway, I can only work with what Data East shat into arcades so apart from flying debris, what else happens?

I don't know about anybody else but I'm having fun.

At 9m 16s to 24s, some kind of bizarre crushing contraption attempts to turn Robo into a tin can.  It’s great this, I mean seriously awesome.

The boss is a demolition ball crane thing sliding like an idiot on a platform.  This is demonstrated from 10m 7s to 32s.

I think they really just started to give up here and forget about events in the movie.

Hang on a mo, they did that from the start.

Before moving on, what Directive did Data East use to omit fellow crims Leon and Joe?  Steve was only a minor villain but he (along with many others) ate lead in the drug factory.

Also, I don't care how they did it but what about recreating the demise of Emil and his argument with toxic waste?

Despite the bullshit so far, if that was a set piece and/or event - all is forgiven.

Getting back to a false reality that is this adaptation.

Forgive me for a brief moment as the next scene is actually promising.

We are now outside the OCP building.

True to form, that promise is broken quicker than a vandal standing next to a window holding a brick.

Dick has deployed some friends, first at 12m 13s to 19s there are some protruding spikes and throughout the level, robots spewing bullets.

The ‘gangsters’ now have jetpacks....

Oh and ‘Clarence’ is back... ha ha!

Honestly, do Data East think we’re all fucking nincompoops?

The boss is naturally fictitious but what in the ED-209 happened to the palette?.

At 13m 27s to 57s, a secret 209 is like the creators, clearly unwell.

Who knows, maybe sick of all the bullshit, but he’s gone a touch green.

It’s definitely different to the first 209 and oh yeah, there was only one model of ED in the movie.

Fans of the classic film will know that although he had an argument with his own gun and also took a tumble down some stairs, he was never destroyed until the end.


Why Data East decided to change his colour palette begs belief.  If they really thought that changing the colour of an enemy automatically made it a 'different' adversary then I'm sorry, they are a bunch of assholes.

So if I'm right, look what Technos did in Double Dragon.

A boss starts out as   then becomes... 

What a gaggle of lethargic geese.

Hey, there's no need to get envious of Flimbo as he becomes green when invincible....

In case you didn't know, he and his quest is the star of a 1990 System 3 platform game.

Others include an distinctly strangely coloured Blanka from the original Street Fighter II.

How about a bubble blowing dinosaur from Taito's 1986 classic?

Konami's 1989 arcade featured a turtle or four.  Here's Leo.


The Raconteurs claimed there are Many Shades of Black.  It seems there are also Many Shades of Green...

The next stage introduces Code 3 and OCP police.  Apparently, Omni security is in danger.  WTF?

Omni Security?  I mean somebody explain this scary logic?  When did OCP have any security?

Did they mean Barbara the secretary?

Keva Rosenberg - Unemployed Person, was unfortunately busy.

I'd buy that for a dollar.  Arrrrrr hhhhaaaaa hhhhaaaaa.

(Raucous and uncontrollable laughter follows).

More spikes, turrets and more robots, more 'Clarence', oh and lazers are thrown in too.

The madness continues from 17m 26s to 18m 18s, as 209’s brother is here again but has applied another colour change.  To prove that it’s definitely not the original enforcement droid, he joins in the fun too.

In the film, ED is guarding the building and gets blown away by a clearly pissed off Robo,

I surrender!

At 21m 47s, we see a brief clip of ‘Dick Jones’ and shortly after, we face a upgraded 209 and it took him this long to have a rocket capability.  I thought he could already do that?

Thankfully, we’re near the end now.

The setting is fairly authentic and at 22m 25s, we see Dick Jones and the Old Man.

The former goes down rather easily and doesn’t fall out of a window.  I mean come on, surely they could’ve bothered with that?

Why is the Old Man fidgeting like a demented chimp?

Before getting to the final fuck up, do Dick and the OCP boss even look like their movie counterparts?

The Old Man at least has the right coloured hair but what happened to Jones and both their suits?  Jones looks rather youthful and would shame a desperate teenager.

Data East and their 'vivid' imagination?

Anyway, we are treated to a perfect quote from the movie.

Apart from 'Robocop' and 'ED-209', it's the only thing they got right.


That 'right' is quickly 'wronged' by an unforgivable mistake at 22m 41s....


How could they do this? How difficult is it to use one fucking word.  They got the former quote spot on and then fuck up the easier bit.

It should have read ‘Murphy’.


Then as the credits roll from 22m 48s, we apparently see what happened after he walks out of the OCP building in the film.  He’s coasting along in his car without a care in the world, driving to an unknown place.

I’m starting to believe that Data East would have him go to the nearest pharmacy and treat himself to a bumper pack of baby food.

Wouldn’t that have been awesome?

The timeline is made up, enemies are just ridiculous and a variety of unknowns even take part in this terrible charade.

I look forward to sharing further shenanigans with Sega and....

Thank you for your co-operation.

Good night!

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