Monday, 3 December 2012

Sega's video game adaptation is faithful to Die Hard. Err...

After a considerable time spent apart, it's time to reunite you with a developer, who obtained a licence and adapted a video game from it.

I previously explored Data East and Robocop so now I'm investigating Sega and Die Hard.

We all enjoyed the films with Bruce Willis portraying super cop John McClane as he successfully takes out various bad guys against all the odds.

He is the ultimate man in a vest.

Now what Sega did with this licence is unfathomable.  

The longplay video contains all the drugs that Sega were 'enjoying' with Die Hard Arcade.  Yes that's not 'The' Arcade.

This screen was synonymous with many arcades in the 90's and this was no different.  

It obvious that Sega didn't take any notice.

Here goes with the intro.

Er, which building?  Okay, we don't know but we all know already even if Sega won't tell us.

Hmmm, I buy the hostages part but is this as in Takagi's daughter or the President of the United States?  It’s obvious that Sega watched a different film.

They are missing the definition of 'repeat'...

Well absolutely charming.  It seems the priority is the President's daughter and the 30 hostages are expendable.

Now we stampede to the title screen.

Well what's wrong with this?  Well aesthetically nothing but look to the bottom.  It credits the correct years of which Die Hard and Die Hard with a Vengeance were released, 1988 and 1996 respectively but wait a minute, er what? 

I maybe among the minority but I thought Vengeance was released in 1995.

What a brilliant mistake.

Further to this, what happened to Die Hard 2?

Maybe they couldn't get the rights to include the 1990 sequel or thought it wasn't relevant.

Okay, this isn't supposed or meant to be Die Hard Trilogy because that existed on the PS1.

Anyway, it’s cool because this is purely based on the 1988 original so makes the year reference (even if it was right) to Vengeance absolutely fucking pointless.

That is of course redundant because everything that happens in this, happened in the film...

I hope you have something stronger than coffee because you're gonna need it.

Yippee-ki-yay [kimosabe]...

Some may remember that years ago when it was broadcast on ITV (way before ITV1, 2 etc existed), it was always amusingly edited (badly) with kimosabe instead of the now famous swear.

We begin terrorist busting.

During this short sequence at 44s, we see McClane and an unidentified female leap from a chopper.

Who invited this woman to the party and what’s McClane doing dressed in uniform?  He’s never seen in police clobber as that would ruin his hard man image.

Hey, look at the back to her jacket - she’s inadvertently advertising oxygen in reverse.

Watch at 49s to 52s and you’ll soon be asking why did a guy die twice?

The fashion sense of these ‘terrorist’ boys and girls is just woeful and freakily eccentric.

I’m sure we all remember McClane kicking seven bells and shooting women don’t we?

The animation for most of these sprites is just unintentionally humourous.

I’d bet the last bullet from my chamber that Willis wish he was able to exploit arsenal including brooms, fire extinguishers and rocket launchers.  That would make taking down all those bad guys so much easier.

The celluloid’s fantasy, but this is just fantastical.

The action begins almost immediately at 55s to 1m 48s including taking care of a hooker and among whirring fans.

These fights occur throughout and get even more ridiculous.

Of that hooker, I love those killer heels and that short purple dress is making me sweat.

Hey love, how much do you charge because if you've got the pixels, then I've got the energy?

We move onto 1m 49s which sees a caution and with it, a primitive QTE.  Yeah, Sega did this way before Shenmue because let's face it, most should admit that they first saw them in that classic...

During this QTE, watch a laughable launching kick and an ineffective replay trying to make the player believe it looks impressive.  At best, it’s awful.

At 2m 28s sees the entrance of a big dude.  Is that a helmet or is his head slapped with paint?

What the fuck is he doing at the start of this scrap?

Here’s where it immediately suggests Sega decided to throw authenticity out of the 30th floor of the Nakatomi window as 3m 01s clearly magnifies.

This must be the terrorist big cheese Hans.

This guy is never officially introduced but we are given little choice as to not think otherwise.

Check out his radio – it’s brilliant.  Did he lend it from Trigger Happy TV?

What the fuck right?  He looks more like an ancestor and/or descendant of Shun from Virtua Fighter 2.

“Where is the President’s daughter?”

His hammy voice acting further compounds the cheese.  Ha ha!

Look dumb ass, she’s closer to you than some asshole tailing you on a busy motorway.

You can also see a portrait in this office at 3m 08s.  Is it supposed to be Takagi with sudden alopecia wearing glasses?

Whoever it is, he won't be joining us for the rest of this life.

How did she get there?  Whatever right?

Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber and his reaction to his future char model.

Guten Tag?
That's not particularly funny now can you really tell me what this is about before I find you and ruin that nice suit...
Karl, is he shitting me or what?
I don't want neutral.  I want dead.
Bastard Kenwood radio.  You assholes, you shits.  You won't get away with this.
Hmmm, he's not a happy bunny and who could blame him?

Enjoy 3m 18s to 21s and witness a terrorist doing a Churchill dog impression and his drunk friend falling into a skip.  Look at his legs go.

Note that when our heroes appear, John has lost his blue coat as the man with a vest has finally arrived.

Be baffled as frog legs makes a miraculous recovery at 3m 31s.  Weird!

Another caution at 3m 49s and watch out for that fire engine as getting hit by it would be a right water disaster.

At 4m to 5m 07s, we’ve got a different problem with firemen as we’re clearly not home and hosed yet.  Watch the inspiration of Ryu and Ken at 4m 52s with a hurricane kick.

Look at this 'thing' between 5m 09s to 14s.

What kind of genetic experiment is this?  If it is human, I think death is a blessing in disguise...

We solider on to 5m 19s and interrupt a guy having a piss or ‘something else’ and at 48s, we presume this dude has just completed a dump.

This is priceless, a piss and then an unseen dump in the same area...

I hear you cry skinny sumo wrestlers?  You got it and this happens at 6m 08s.  What is his mate doing in the toilet before getting stuck in, grooming his hair?

False reality really bites us in the ass at 6m 36s until 7m 28s because we have to deal with kangaroo laser spewing robots.

Holy [pause] shit!

We are back with Hans and during 7m 32s until 45s, he’s losing his ancient temper.

“Police are moving in, now get to the lobby.”

He continues with “Why isn't that safe open yet?” and;

“Where is that girl?”

Er, still in the same place mate.

During this sequence, we observe ‘Theo’ attempting to crack open the vault.

I know you really want to see the angelic unfortunate of this kidnapping drama so here she is.

In fairness, I totally sympathise as I’d pull a face like that if I was forced to participate in this shit.

The police have turned on their own during 7m 05s to 9m 38s and they are happy to roll with it.  I suppose they are Oasis fans.

Almost immediately afterwards, we have to wipe the sweat off our brow as a scantily clad hottie in white with matching hat shows aggression.

Has this showgirl fallen on hard times and earning a few extra bucks?

After dodging a rocket, become part of another fight between 10m 33s until 12m 08s.

This time, another biological weapon is wearing an odd green mask in ice hockey body armour.

You will notice that during this scuffle that a large fish is kept in such a small aquarium.  I hope it's fed well and be transferred to a bigger container... very soon.

Cue Hans at 12m 13s to 30s as our man is going absolutely ape shit and we fear he may have a heart attack.

“What is taking you so long to get rid of those SWAT guys?”

Sigh!  I hate to break the toffee with the required hammer but McClane is in fact a cop from New York and not a member of Special Weapons and Tactics...

Smack that desk baby, smack it hard.

His fury is so great that with each slam, the walkie talkie bounces until it falls off.  That’s actually a nice effect and I’m being serious.

Whoops, there’s a different stray radio conveniently placed which is easily within her reach...

Hans’ mood is substantially brightened as we see Theo finally open the vault.

Okay, let’s use our imagination as Sega clearly did.  It brings a tear to your eye, not through sadness but during laughter.

To feel pure joy, elation and ecstasy watch from 12m 28s to 30s.

I've captured the very moment he seems to experience the ultimate sensation.

“Yes, ha ha ha!”

I’ll add to that, “Ho ho ho!”

Action switches to the roof at 12m 38s and a kinky afro and dangerous satellite dishes on rails are thrown in to the biscuit jar.  Admire McClane and his use of a flaming aerosol.

I know, this 70s throwback is an associate of Jones from Evoga’s Rage of the Dragons.

Okay, can somebody please tell me why McClane now suddenly has ripped trousers like he’s recently been rescued from a desert island?

Not forgetting the female, top totty has got rather hot all of a sudden with a pink tank top and a pair of shorts.

After another mechanical spider encounter at 13m 38s, we are shown Theo wheeling away the loot during 14m 21s to 31s.

For shits and giggles, what would Clarence Gilyard Jr. think of this?

Of that randomer in green - what a trippy walk.

We now learn that the kidnapped has opened up and grabs (unseen) ‘that’ walkie talkie.

More rib-tickling animation at 14m 34s to 36s as what the Frak is that guy in yellow playing at on the table?  It’s hardly the most appropriate time to do some stretching exercises.

On the other hand, the man in red is chilling on two correctly positioned chairs.  Yeah, it looks plausible.  

More shit at 15m 10s to 58s sees an overweight salad dodger and his sumo friend.

The next cut scene appears at 16m to 10s and hush everybody as John and the President’s daughter are having an indiscreet chat on the radio but oh no, it’s a disaster because the kidnapper is listening to this open frequency...

“So the cat has” (?) what?  Say again, over?

I can’t fucking understand it, can you?

Forgive me but it sounds like ‘found the bounce’.  Surely not but who knows?

Let’s trot on to the President’s office.

Dodging elevators (16m 14s to 35s) and sugar dummies, she’s been found.

After emerging from a vent, look at those crazies at 16m 48s...

At 17m 58s, we've probably already seen it but whatever; at least they got the Nakatomi symbol correct (apart from the colour)...

18m 57s now and mama mia, this guy is packing some canisters and he entertains us further with more movement amusement.  What is he doing up until 19m 01s?

It seems this teases a conclusion at 19m 53s.

“This whole building will explode in 5 minutes.”


“But you won’t get to see it anyway ha ha ha.”

We see he’s a keen golfer at 20m 08s and yeah, during this encounter he seems to be summoning drawers from the wall.  Also, don’t miss his martial arts.

Really?  Yeah really!

You thought it was over but not quite as without a word and without any prevention, he steals the girl and legs it.

Before making his escape in the lift, at 22m 31s to 33s he really does call you wankers.  It’s unbelievable.

Awww, we never did get to find out who that guy in the picture frame was.

Here’s Johnny Castaway, his island fluff and a handy ladder.

Yup, we’re going to the roof.

It’s Hans' turn to have a change of look now.

Where he got the sword and his alternative use for a quiver remains forever unexplained.  I guess he stashed it on the roof knowing that this would happen.  Why is the girl in the corner?  I give in.

“Damn you!”

That helicopter isn't doing us any favours and the pilot just seems happy to circle.

Would it have broken the asshole’s heart to shoot the bad guy or throw some weapon down to help you out?

Feel the action at 22m 40s and watch as a flurry of swords are thrown.  He finally yields at 24m 41s.

She gives thanks at 22m 46s and after more incomprehensible bullshit about ‘a bodyguard’, it now turns into a pseudo one on one fighting game with the sadistic bitch egging you on in the background.

Who wants it more?  Players decide.

Incidentally, during 2P in Streets of Rage, the end boss asks if you want to become his right-hand man.  If one says ‘yes’ and the other says ‘no’, you have to fight the other to prove loyalty to your new boss.

In this case, the female wins and it leaves McClane throwing a paddy on the floor.

So whoever ends up the loser is left to rot on the roof.  Great right?

If you battled your way through in 1P, you automatically make your escape in that ‘helpful’ chopper.

The mirror image credits roll and that is indeed that.

Sega basically took a major film licence, the mechanics of Virtua Fighter, mixed them together and created one unhealthy shit sandwich.

It’s another case of what the fuck happened here?

Apart from very small crumbs of actual events i.e. the vault, McClane and Nakatomi, everything else is beyond reason.

Like I say, Hans is never officially introduced and you can only assume.  Hang on a mo, it's the same with McClane... and that woman. 

The premise involving the President’s daughter is bollocks too.

Did you miss the 30 hostages spill out of this building and/or get rescued because I certainly did.

Where’s Holly?  Where’s Karl?  Where is my head?  Well after this mind fuck – up my ass.

I plan a final act of insanity on this subject matter and no clues are given as to who or what it will be.

As we are fast approaching Christmas, consider this a stocking filler as the other is unlikely to appear until the New Year.

Yippee-ki-yay [censored]!

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