The Expendables 3 - The scoop and digest

Leave your brain outside the cinema door for what hopes to be a rapturous (and if you believe the trailer), one final ride.

Patrick Hughes has the directorial burden of emulating what Stallone and Simon West previously orchestrated.

Plot details and/or spoilers are loaded with ammo.

Going out with a possible bang include:

Sylvester Stallone – Barney

Jason Statham – Christmas

Dolph Lundgren – Gunnar

Randy Couture – Toll Road

Mel Gibson – Stonebanks

Wesley Snipes – Doctor Death

Antonio Banderas - Galgo

Kelsey Grammer - Bonaparte

Harrison Ford – Drummer

Arnold Schwarzenegger – Trench

Jet Li – Yin Yang

Barney and his crew intercept a train and bust out former member Doctor Death before his ass is transported to prison.

They arrive in Somalia to scupper a shipment of bombs.

Amidst gunfire and explosions, the arms dealing big cheese is spotted and revealed to be former Expendables co-founder Stonebanks.

Before making his escape, Caesar is shot by Stonebanks who is subsequently taken to a nearby hospital.

Barney retires Christmas, Toll Road, Gunnar and Doc from his team as wearing the guilt of their deaths is something that doesn’t really appeal.

Going it alone, he meets with Bonaparte who helps enlist new mercs.

This part reminded me of The Mean Machine when Burt Reynolds recruits various inmates to play against the guards.

Nightclub bouncer Luna, weapons professional Mars, computer whizz Thorn and ex-marine Smilee all the make the cut but sniper Galgo (Spanish for greyhound), fails in the selection process.

Much to the disgust of Barney, CIA operative Drummer informs Stonebanks must be taken alive so he can be tried for war crimes.

Tripping off to Romania, Thorn disables security systems and Stonebanks is captured during another arms deal.

Before Drummer’s package can be delivered, his men halt progress by introducing missile to van.

The young are kidnapped and via video link, Stonebanks presents Barney with the clichéd challenge of ‘if you want them, come get ‘em’.

Galgo’s gab is given the green light to tag along and four familiar faces provide extra firepower…

In what looks like a dilapidated and derelict casino, the kids are saved but uh oh, Stonebanks has rigged the place with C4.

Proving not to be a Thorn in their sides, a battery powered gizmo jams the signal which buys them about 30 minutes before detonation.

I suppose it’s longer than the average Smartphone…

Drummer’s evac team (consisting of Trench and Yang), arrive in a helicopter and obliterates heavy artillery and enemy contingent.

Barney vs. Stonebanks.  Final Round.  Fight.

After exchanging blink and you’ll miss it blows, our villain is shot dead.

With time conveniently called, Barney puts on the afterburners and makes it to the chopper.

Holy shit!  We never saw that coming.

During the customary piss up, Caesar is fighting fit and new recruits are officially accepted.

Oh yeah, Trench and Yang are gay.

Er, what?  WHAT?

This doesn’t fire more blanks than a territorial but compared to the sequel, you cannot help but feel robbed.

In regards to so-so action, the beginning, run up to first seeing Stonebanks and climatic firefight is all you really get.

I’m guesstimating 20 minutes and with a running time of over 2 hours – that’s a shocking return.

If that's unfair, please consider The Raid series…

Sure there’s energy but violence has definitely felt the impact of achieving 12A certification.

Despite this, there’s more crunch than Taken 2.

One thing that pissed me off is when Ford complains he can’t understand Statham’s Cockney accent.  Am I the only asshole who thinks that reeks of American bullshit?

Even Statham looked angry.

Ubiquitous banter impresses, Banderas’s over zealous yap largely succeeds in providing the laughs and Stallone tells a decent enough story.

The regulars do what they do and young blood may inject freshness but for me, were just plain irritating.

Gibson portrays a fairly ruthless villain, which is in complete contrast to Machete Kills.

In-jokes:

As greedy bastard Bruce Willis’s financial demands couldn't be met to fund a new vest and toupee, when Stallone asks of Church’s whereabouts, Ford replies ‘he’s out of the picture.’

‘Short notice’ from Arnie is a nod towards Ford's limited preparation and after sizing him up, Ford's remark of ‘very short’ ridicules Li's height.

He retorts with 'I thought Church was asshole', or something very similar. 

Couture asks Snipes why he was locked up and the droll answer of ‘tax evasion’ has to be applauded.

Reference guide:

Arnie revisits classic lines ‘get to the chopper’ and ‘I lied’ from Predator and Commando respectively.

Stallone refers to Snipes as a ‘maniac’, as per Demolition Man.

When scouting for a new team with Bonaparte, Stallone sees Thorn rock climbing and claims ‘I could do that’.  Thank superior outdoor action adventure Cliffhanger for that one.

‘I am the Hague’ is more than likely a variation of ‘I am the Law’ from the appalling Judge Dredd.

A flash or stun grenade is designed to disorientate and cause discomfort to one’s hearing tackle.  In ensemble cast driven corruption thriller Cop Land, Stallone’s char Freddy Heflin is deaf in one ear.

Fair enough, he suffers from no such impairment but the temporary principle remains when in the vicinity of such an explosive going off.

Mistake:

Call it picky, but a frustrated Gibson sarcastically asks his cronies “How hard can it be to kill ten men?”

He forgot about Luna…

There’s already talk of a fourth and hiring John Malkovich, Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, Carl Weathers, Tom Hardy, Rutger Hauer and Tom Cruise would do more good than harm.

Let’s hope that some don’t see red at such a proposal.

My own wish list for rumoured female spin-off dubbed ‘The Expendabelles’ are Sharon Stone, Angelina Jolie, Milla Jovovich, Uma Thurman, Linda Hamilton and Kate Beckinsale.

I of course would say Sigourney Weaver, but she’s already committed to the adaptation of children’s fantasy novel A Monster Calls.

Whatever happens, balls must be grown to ensure the next is a 15 or the franchise should be deemed literally expendable.