Thursday, 18 June 2015

Jurassic World - The scoop and digest

Dinosaurs may have died out millions of years ago but their popularity will never become extinct.

If anybody remembers One Million Years B.C. for anything other than Raquel Welch's fur bikini, they're talking Styracosaurus shit.

R.I.P. Ray Harryhausen, stop-motion God.

I hated Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, but along with skeletons (Jason and the Argonauts) and scorpions (Clash of the Titans), Smilodon vs Troglodyte is probably what VHS rewound most.

Very, very briefly talking video games, Sammy's Dyna Gears ignores sense and sensibility.

Starships slip 65 million years back in time from the year 2993 A.D.

'Time patroller' Roger and the ruthless Gustav shoot each other down and crash into a nearby planet, which conveniently happens to be a tropical jungle in prehistoric times.

Roger meets and teams up with Wolf, and because Gustav has managed to transform a living dino into 'combat dinosaur', the pair set off in hot pursuit.

Whatever, right?

Director Colin Trevorrow ignores The Lost World and awful third with a direct sequel to Spielberg's blockbusting original.

Plot details and/or spoilers are genetically engineered.

The Park is open for:

Chris Pratt - Owen Grady
Bryce Dallas Howard - Claire
Vincent D'Onofrio - Hoskins
B.D. Wong - Dr. Wu
Nick Robinson - Zack
Ty Simpkins - Gray

To keep things fresher than a daisy, highly intelligent hybrid Indominus Rex has been kept isolated in new menagerie Jurassic World.

By now, we've met operations manager Claire, and her nephews Zack and Gray.

Raptor trainer Owen Grady is brought in to study Indominus' ranch but when scans draw a blank, she's apparently escaped.

Surely a technical malfunction?

Big cheese Hoskins plans to use the four Raptors (Charlie, Alpha, Omega and Blue) as a military force, but Owen wants no part of it.

Pac-Man ghosts are nearly as random.

Bashful (Inky), Speedy (Pinky), Shadow (Blinky) and Pokey (Clyde).

What's CLYDE all about?

Indominus escapes and enjoys a bite of fresh human meat in the process.

Emergency! Code Bloodshed imminent on Isla Nublar!

Adopting camouflage allowed her to bypass thermal detection.

Clever girl.

In the midst of this unfortunate prison break, Zack and Gray ride in a gyrosphere and ignore the warnings of attraction shutdown.

Sending a team armed with non-lethals to subdue the beast is surely suicide?

Take a wild guess...

Baddie dino attacks hamster ball but regrettably, children escape.

She continues relentless rampage and the destruction of an aviary gives unexpected licence for pterosaurs to take flight.

Wings of fury have a bit of fun but human firepower eradicates threat.

To help kill Indominus, Hoskins convinces Grady to enlist Raptors but after allies chew the fat with omnipotent, monsters turn nasty.

At my discretion, can I now call villain Rextor, a portmanteau of T-Rex and Raptor?

Thanks in advance.

Along with embryos, Dr. Wu is helicoptered to safety; which should give head geneticist enough time to conjure up a sequel.

The result of Hoskins failing to sweet talk a Raptor has dire consequences.

With Rextor continuing to dominate, Claire suggests they need more 'teeth'.

T-Rex and Blue make a decent tag team and force Rextor towards lagoon where Mosasaurus is waiting...

Proceedings end with T-Rex observing decimation and announces "I'M FUCKING BACK!" on helipad.

Analysis

Lacklustre chars and so-so acting fails to damage an enjoyable spectacle.

Unusually for a 12A, blood often spills and human casualties reach double figures.

Sequences disregard suspense and danger but contain excitement and depth.

Although science has proved otherwise, paleontologists fume at our friends remaining balder than plucked chickens.

Surely applying a few feathers wouldn't have broken any hearts.

As expected, CGI dominates with animatronics drafted in for a dying Apatosaurus and head close-ups.  Recycled herbivores Iguanodon, Stegosaurus and Ankylosaurus are a snore bore.

Mosasaurus and Indominus do nothing to match the colossal entrance of Brachiosaurus and T-Rex attack.

Personally, I don't think effects look any better than what they did back in 1993.

Training raptors is a cool idea, but how Rextor dies was a major cop-out.

Also, how did veteran T-Rex get back inside 'new' paddock?

Err.

Reffing hell

Mr DNA, mosquito encased in block or amber (used on the end of Hammond's cane), destruction of Spinosaurus skeleton during end fight (maybe symbolism of how that fucking bad film really was), computer guy wearing tee of original (personality opposite of Nedry) and Dilophosaurus hologram confusing Raptor towards climax.

Best of all, kids stumble upon the dilapidated visitor centre as night-vision goggles, Jeep 29, backlit picture of Raptor and 'When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth' banner are all visible.

'Rip offs'

Squad members' heartbeats flatlining on monitors (Aliens).
Indominus capable of engaging cloak and killing for sport (Predator).
Pterosaur attack (The Mist).

Beginning in the late 70s, obviously way before Michael Crichton's novel, Flesh was one of the original stories to appear in 2000AD.

'Hag monster' Old One Eye ate her son Satanus, who was later cloned by scientists as an exhibit for a dinosaur theme park.

I'm saying this is Flesh without bone.

Fact

Dino Crisis was inspired by Jurassic Park.

T-Rex mutation Australis 'borrowed' roar in rubbish 2003 Xbox exclusive Dino Crisis 3.

End boss Cebalrai has the DNA prime of Giganotosaurus and grows a third head.

Indominus is modelled on Giganotosaurus, who was apparently slightly smaller than fellow theropod Carcharodontosaurus, but larger than global favourite T-Rex.

Going off track, SNK's Prehistoric Isle in 1930 determined ammonites measured 140 feet and weighed 10 tonnes.

Absolutely remarkable.

Further examples could be given but I'd never stop laughing.

Coincidence?

Before getting destroyed by satellite's laser in Dino Crisis 2, we watch T-Rex clash heads with not Pachycephalosaurus, but Giga power.

Even though Raptor featured and employed ironic role reversal in Trevorrow's film, it's the same principle.

Giga does brush T-Rex aside, but unlike Spinosaurus snapping neck in JP III, nobody gave a fossil.

Not that it matters too much, Capcom also used the threat of Mosasaurus.

Bonkers!

Finally, if the next is set in the far reaches of infinite space - I'll nuke my Ozymandias.

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