Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Pixels - The scoop and digest

Chris Columbus taking Patrick Jean's award winning 2010 internet short to the big screen is potentially an exciting prospect.

Raiders of the Lost Arcade from 2002 Futurama episode Anthology of Interest II being so similar is surely coincidence?

Ahem, moving on...

Plot details and/or spoilers breathes retro.

The future of Earth lies with:

Adam Sandler - Sam Brenner
Kevin James - President William Cooper
Peter Dinklage - Eddie Plant
Michelle Monaghan - Colonel Violet van Platten
Josh Gad - Ludlow Lamonsoff

June 1982.

Teenagers Sam and Will enter a video game arcade world championship and MC announces events will be stored on time capsule and launched into outer space.

Sam kicks the broad ass of competition, but Donkey Kong proves to be a challenge too far as he succumbs to pint-sized Eddie 'Fireblaster' Plant.

Years later, Sam works for technology installation firm Nerd (how original) and Will is President of the United States.

A military base is bombarded and Sam identifies formation to be one found in Galaga.

Ludlow informs Sam aliens misinterpreted footage as declaration of war and sends video games to attack.

Three lives lost and it's game over.

Will hires Sam and Ludlow to help soldiers brush up on hand-eye co-oridination and visual acuity.

Violet demonstrates light beams eliminate pixels, hence the development of light cannons.

Centipede invades Hyde Park and cliché alert - military prove ineffective and nerds secure the situation.

As a reward, aliens donate Duck Hunt dog as a trophy.

Will 'arranges' Eddie's early parole and 'waka waka waka' awaits in the Big Apple.

Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde are represented as cars and successfully defeat fruit chasing dot muncher three times.

Denis Akiyama portrays Pac-Man creator Toru Iwatani with real geezer appearing as an arcade engineer.

Q*bert follows in doggie's footsteps...

It seems victory is complete but wait, we have a cheating bastard in our midst.

Violet's son Matty chats with Eddie and codes hidden behind glasses are the secret of success.

In retaliation of violating rules, aliens send in the video game cavlery and Max Headroom informs they must beam aboard mothership to take on end boss Donkey Kong.

During a mass battle, the appearance of Lady Lisa from fictional arcade Dojo Quest delights a lustful Ludlow.

Arcaders Sam, Will, Violet and Q*bert accept final challenge to rescue Matty and previously kidnapped.

Hairy monster is ultimately destroyed by bonus hammer, freezing all other sprite activity.

For some reason, Q*bert transforms into Lady Lisa and Ludlow happily entertains tongue wrestle.

Aliens bugger off back to whence they came and a year later, infant nosebots bounce impatiently in cot.

This is the cinematic equivalent of swallowing deadly wasabi.

Impending doom should bask in frivolity and not deliberately revel in diastrous drama.

Dinklage's performance, (apparently cobbled together from various 80s gamers) is weird to say the least and Gad's behaviour disturbs, especially when spanking soldier ass and gestating on stage.

The consistent use of mild language is bizarre and unless I misheard, Sandler even f-bombs.

Unlike Wreck-It Ralph, in-jokes never occur during gameplay and dire dialogue is cheerless.

Why fuck with arcade folklore and have Q*bert speak coherent English?

Speech bubble does appear and audibly states 'crap'.

Referencing classics such as Breakout, Galaxian, BurgerTime, Dig Dug, Joust and Frogger do nothing to make giant pile of horseshit smell any sweeter.

Probe was sent in 1982 and because Tetris and Paperboy weren't released until 1984 and 1985 respectively, one detects anachronisms.

Alien obliteration is composed of voxels, making title factually incorrect.

Sam observes Matty playing The Last of Us and Q*bert is horrified at mutated strain of Cordyceps.

One of the biggest let-downs briefly showing undoubtedly one of the greatest games of all time?

More ironic than Alanis Morissette.

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