Friday, 18 March 2016

16 bits, 2 bytes - Eighth Event

Gun Force, Bits Studios 1992

Fancy relaxing on the Battle Fire Engulfed Terror Island?

No? Don’t blame you.

This insipid arcade conversion is plagued with slowdown and generous flicker.

Graphics are okay, but woefully animated.  Also, gotta love the inappropriate use of green and brown.

Music is a particular highlight as accompanying ‘beat’ sounds like a fucking telephone jingle.

Also known as Geo Storm, much improved 1994 sequel was Irem’s swansong and should be regarded as Metal Slug's predecessor.

F-Zero, Nintendo 1990/1991

Put your futuristic foot down and bomb through an unprecedented classic.

Like Pilotwings, it was among the first to show off our friend Mode 7.

After selecting league (Knight, King or Queen), choosing Beginner, Standard or Expert difficulty is obligatory.

Master class is unlocked after beating whichever league in Expert.

Do so, and Captain Falcon gives a special ‘thank you’.

Bishop and Pawn circuits appeared in GBA outing Maximum Velocity, but other chess piece Castle (aka Rook), never featured in any entry.

Going briefly off track.

Specific to Leon’s A and B scenario in Resident Evil 2, Bishop, King, Rook and Knight plugs are used to unlock sewer's mechanical lock.

Push and shove puzzle in Gamecube prequel Resident Evil 0 must end in checkmate.

Without much success, Richie and Eddie play a game in superb Bottom episode Culture.

Knight plays Death in 1957 b/w classic The Seventh Seal.

Housed inside the Gemaldegalerie, Berlin, The Game of Chess (circa 1508), is a painting by Dutch master Lucas van Leyden.

Serial killer thrillers Knight Moves and 5150 Elm's Way use very different strategies.

Holly gets erased after losing to fake persona Queeg (title of said Red Dwarf episode).

Finishing up.

To avoid hover car going boom, I strongly advise not bumping fellow competitors, nudging track side or falling off road's edge.

Providing coloured stretch is hit, a spaceship will kindly refill energy.

Gameplay is smoother than a baby's bum, graphics are great and music is sensational.

In short - it's still fucking awesome.

Harvest Moon, Amccus/Pack-In-Video 1997

Like crops watered, this grew into a huge franchise.

Farming Simulator threatens the same success...


You must help a cute welly wearing chap single-handedly manage a village ranch.

What do livestock need?

That’s right – a meadow.

But first, you need to buy blades of green.

Once got, cows can be milked and showing affection increases production.

They can fall foul of disease, so best keep grass healthy.

Feeding chickens should persuade even the laziest to lay and incubating speeds up the hatching process.

Ploughing field before planting crops is wise as seeds tend not to germinate unless sowed in the correct season.

Makes sense, right?

To assist, television displays weather forecasts.

Remember what Neil said when The Young Ones became Sick?

“We sow the seed, nature grows the seed, and then, we eat the seed.”


Equipment ranging from axe, hammer, brush, hoe, watering can and sickle are used to gather materials or instigate a situation.

Signboards provide tips and chatting with residents reaps horticultural insight.

Fancy winning some fabulous prizes?

Well I suggest you keep an eye out for festivals appearing on calendar.

Agricultural perseverance is key to making a mint.

Graphics look great and upbeat music appropriately sickens.

I never really got into this or any other futuristic entry, but praise must be heaped upon something completely different.

Super Mario World, Nintendo 1990/1991

Originally subbed Super Mario Bros. 4 in Japan, this remains arguably ‘the perfect game’.

Princess Toadstool has gone missing in Dino Land.

Surprise surprise.

It is notable for introducing lovabale dinosaur Yoshi who if dismounted, runs away like the bastard clappers.

Before reaching Bowser’s castle, expect mustachioed heroes to conquer Donut Plains, Vanilla Dome, Forest of Illusion and Chocolate Island.

Ghost Houses become tougher nuts to crack and finding the ‘true’ exit reveals new areas on map.

Reaching his castle and defeating Bowser is fairly easy.

However, opening up a secret Star Road in Star World should be your ultimate goal.

Within the Special Zone, expect design to be more vicious.

Stages are quoted as being Gnarly, Tubular, Way Cool, Groovy, Mondo, Outrageous and Funky.

Prefer Autumn over Spring?

Completing all will grant seasonal wish.

Many enemies now look different, but behaviour remains identical.

T. Takemoto's Kaizo ROM hacks ticked every sadistic box imaginable.

Unique to Game Boy, Super Mario Land began in 1989 and had space freak Tatanga kidnapping Daisy instead of Peach.

To add bizarre spice, Sarasaland featured Gradius-esque shmup stages.

1992 sequel 6 Golden Coins introduced Wario, who became protagonist in Warioland: Super Mario Land 3.

Super Mario All-Stars, Nintendo 1993

We got 1985 original, The Lost Levels*, Super Mario 2** and Super Mario 3.

Just to confuse, original had two separate sequels.

*Originally released in Japan as Super Mario 2 for Famicom Disk System in 1986.
**First came to NES in 1988 and called Super Mario USA in Japan.

Sound and vision are happy to receive new licks of paint, but what puts mushroom on top of shell is being able to save.

Super Mario Deluxe is easily forgotten, but came to Game Boy Colour in 1999.

Challenge levels aside, core is essentially 1985 original and The Lost Levels.

‘You vs. Boo’ involved pipping trademark enemy to respective post and touching whichever block on redesigned stage affects oncoming barrier.

It sounds boring, but reality begs to differ.

Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island, Nintendo 1995

Host machine's most technically impressive game prequels Mario World and presumably ignores all that went before.

One dark night, stork carrying two babies runs into trouble when the evil Magikoopa Kamek smatches (Luigi).

The other (Mario), falls into the open sea.

Amusingly, he miraculously lands on Yoshi’s back who at the time, is taking a stroll on dry land.

Kamek sends his Toadies to search the island and find missing bambino.

Will infants ever receive parental hug?

Mission start.

Using generic relay system, stages are completed by passing bundle of fun onto next coloured Yoshi.

If baby falls off back, Mario will be encased in bubble and 10 second countdown begins.  If 0 is reached, bye bye baby.

Thrown egg or tongue lashing will cease incessant wailing.

Giving Chomp Rock a roll destroys everything in its path and whether spitting out enemy or throwing rotten egg, aiming cursor ensures greater accuracy.

Yoshi can even morph into helicopter.

Flipping cards, fruit machines, scratch cards and roulette bonus games give chance to earn extra lives and items.

Kamek's magic paint ensures bosses are supersized encounters.

Instead of Young Master Luke, Kamek refers to 'King Koopa' as Young Master Bowser.

Does this make Kamek Threepio?

After failing to get his way of riding on 'gween' donkey, kidnapper does his thing and final fight is taken outside.

If you're a right meanie, you'll bring him back down to size.

Stork safely delivers twins to parents and signs off with the confident prediction:

‘Heroes are born!’

Despite swapping plumber for Yoshi, this plays pretty much the same.

Mixing pastel and crayon, forests, waterfalls, caves, snow storms, castles and jungles boast relentless quality.

Lighting, transparency and scaling special effects apply further gloss, with Super FX Chip 2 increasing polygon power.

Despite frame rate and numerous graphical cutbacks, same enhancement chip made Doom look amazing.

GBA chose to remake four from six to form the Super Mario Advance series.

Mario 2 (SMA - 2001)
Mario World (SMA 2 - 2002)
Yoshi’s Island (Yoshi’s Island: SMA 3 - 2002)
Mario 3 (SMA 4 – 2003)

Original and The Lost Levels apparently stank.

Yoshi's Island DS was a direct sequel to SNES original.

Lethal Enforcers, Konami 1993

Derogatory police slang made photo-realistic arcade controversial and attract mode was inspired by Magnum Force's title sequence.

Probably costing £50+, this came bundled with the Justifier Lightgun.

As no other games were compatible, I don’t see how price tag can be 'justified'.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Colt Python was later redesigned for use on Mega Drive, Mega CD and PS1.

Missions of numerous scenes are naturally populated with criminals and suicidal civvies.

Boys with bigger toys and armoured vehicles provide boss challenges.

Apart from standard pea shooter, automatic, magnum and shotgun can be acquired.

Digitised chars and intro screens translate pretty well, albeit with extra grain and jerk.

Arcade’s blood is predictably removed but what about...

You missed me [blank]
Eat lead [blank]

So ‘pig’ and ‘copper’ are edited out from respective taunts.

Wild West themed sequel/prequel Gun Fighters came to Mega Drive and Mega CD.

PS1 owners could enjoy both on a single disc.

Streamlining gameplay and ditching actors, the third remained exclusive to insert coin.

American Gladiators, Gametek 1992

As title suggests, events are based on the US series that began in 1989 and ended in 1997.

Strangely, the UK equivalent also lasted for eight years (1992 – 2000).

We all know Howard Scott Warshaw's E.T. was literally the pits.

Others lowering the bar:

MindJack, Ride to Hell: Retribution, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (NES), Aliens: Colonial Marines, Shaq Fu, Superman 64, Big Rigs, Tongue of the Fatman, Arthur's Quest: Battle for the Kingdom and Friday the 13th (NES).

They however are God compared to this.

Group of assholes proudly present THE WORST FUCKING VIDEO GAME EVER MADE.

As request is coated with sugar, I'll explain why.

Controls for each appalling mini-game rarely work and if by chance a miracle occurs, roadkill reacts faster.

It's that BAD, you'd have better luck using the fucking Power Glove.

Your joypad isn't broken.  I repeat.  YOUR JOYPAD ISN'T BROKEN.

Expect NO sound effects and offensive solitary tune loops more times than a rollercoaster.

Taking a high dosage of morphine will improve mind-blowing graphics, otherwise...

Amiga snorted the same shit, but sounded superior.

Featuring amusing death scream after Joust, 1991 NES version just about shades a truly despicable bunch.

Of course, that's hardly an achievement.

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