Friday, 16 June 2017

The Mummy - The scoop and digest

Alex Kurtzman confirms Dracula Untold is condemned to exist independently.

With that said, welcome one and all to the first instalment of Universal's Dark Universe.

Tom Cruise - Nick Morton
Annabelle Wallis - Jennifer
Sofia Boutella - Ahmanet
Russell Crowe - Dr. Henry Jekyll
Jake Johnson - Chris Vail

In order to claim the throne, Princess Ahmanet murdered her family and sold soul to Egyptian god Set.  Just as ceremonial dagger is about to be driven into lover's heart to give Set physical form, father's priests poop on ritual party and babe is mummified alive.

Call me lazy, but from now on, I'm calling baddie A.

And no, this isn't Pretty Little Liars.

In Mesopotamia (now known as Iraq), looters Nick and chum Vail find A's tomb.

Along with Nick's former bit on the side Jenny, sarcophagus heads for London.

Vail is 'influenced' by A to attack and subsequently shot dead.

Nick learns from Vail's ghost that ass has been cursed and body will be used as a replacement vessel for Set.

Fatal curiosity leads A's early parole and decomposed body quickly regenerates by feeding on randomers.

Soldiers subdue and take her to Prodigium, a secret society who specialises in hunting supernatural forces.

Henry Jekyll says A completing ritual will rid world of Set's evil for good.

And yes, he does become alter-ego Hyde.

In the midst of unleashing mayhem, A recovers both dagger and ruby, giving bitch all the ammo she needs.

A drowns Jenny and hero stabs himself to become Set.

During scuffle, she slaps Nick around the chops.

That's right, bad ass bitch fucking slaps him.

(Controls emotions).

Nick sucks A's lifeforce dry, thus returning body to original state.

Jenny is resurrected and Nick toddles off.

While A's shrivelled up corpse is flooded with mercury, Jekyll and Jenny wonder if Nick is good or bad for humanity.

With sandstorm following, Vail and Nick in human form continue their adventures.

Holy SHIT!

Apart from zero gravity stunt inside falling plane, what the fuck happened here?

The 1999 Brendan Fraser film was an enjoyable slice of action comedy pie.

In stark contrast, this has no idea what it wants to be.

Expendable characters share no chemistry, Crowe is the Marvel equivalent of Nick Fury and Cruise is a cocky, arrogant, unlikable asshole.

Glimpses of Dracula skull and the Creature's severed hand from a certain Black Lagoon means Prodigium has its own Dawn of Justice moment.

We don't FUCKING care.

Rip offs

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Just before A kidnaps and ultimately drowns Jenny, they take refuge underneath coffin in submerged area.

Ah Venice.  Sorry, London.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II

A snogs men to regenerate, almost like she's becoming whole again.

Julia, where are you? Here I am.

An American Werewolf in London

Visible only to him, Nick occasionally chews the fat with dead friend.


I'm just annoyed Nick wasn't coaxed into a porno theatre.


One of the greatest scripts of all time features some absolute beauties.

Nick squaring up against A with lump of wood is stupid enough, but Jenny blurts out these wonderful words of wisdom.

"Go on Nick, kill her, kill her, kick her ass."

Near the very end, Nick (as Set), screams "COME BACK TO LIFE" like a petulant schoolboy.


Every man and his dog knows a medley of unnecessary reboots are planned, but when Bride of Frankenstein bombs, Hollywood will hopefully wake up and smell the bullshit.

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