Sunday, 14 April 2013

Bloodsport: Finale

You've witnessed the birth, now become the legend.

Bumps and bruises aside, this is sure to whiz by faster than Usain Bolt can run 100m.

This is your fault.  If you were a man of honour, he lives, but as you are just a tease...  Now your fate, shall be his. 
THAT'S ENOUGH CHONG.  It was one night, it didn't mean anything, I swear, less than nothing.
Don't give me any of that bullshit, I can hear the lie in your voice just as much as I can see it in your eyes.  Every love rival must permanently pay and my policy offers no refunds...
Yeah, cash that in at the bank you prick and I hope the current interest rate is shit.
Whoah, that's gotta hurt.  The old heart stopping twister to the chest. 
They told me you were 'that' big and you can't blame me for wanting to see it for myself.
Yeah well, don't believe everything you hear...  Before we part ways, come a little bit closer.
I hope you enjoyed that banana twist to the love spuds.
As Frank prepares for the final day of intense competition, meditation eases the boring prank of kicking the chairs away (again). 
Happy landings asshole.
Frankie, fucking hey.  I've got my nose broke, you should try it.   A sensation guaranteed to be better than sex.  Shit, yeah!
You must be off your rocker Jackson, a kick in the bollocks is far more pleasurable.
Really?  Well, I'm willing to try anything once.
Although you won't need it, good luck Mr. Li in putting Prang to the sword.
Get yer' smackers around this baby.  I added a little more kick to the foot powder, just for you.
Take a butchers at his face.  Pain, anguish, elation, excitement and psychotic facial gurning are not in short supply.
I need some new bondage material.  This here headband will more than suffice... 
You are next.
Okay USA!
Now remember what I told you.  Don't let emotions like jealously or lust interfere with your principal aim of paggering the bastard.
(Hmmm, he's so fit though)...
It's essential to erupt nasty fluid from snout.
You prick, why did you kill him?  Your charisma and boyish good looks is irrelevant because now you have one chance of dating me, no fucking chance. 
A purposeful and menacing stare is paramount in order to mask the desire for a romantic embrace.
Now ladies, ahem, gentlemen.  The rules are simple and are as follows:
No gouging, except with your fingers.  No biting, except with your teeth and no kissing, except with your lips.
Seduction can come in many forms.  In this case, chalk without the benefit of cheddar seemed preferential...
He needed a bit of help with the Superman launch.
What the shit?  Computer, run system analysis and diagnostic.  Searching...
Disorientation does not compute or register with memory bank.  Data is corrupted.
Forcing shutdown without waiting for other programs to close.
Attempting reboot, initiating override and defrag in progress.
Oh shit, now I really need one.
I can't bear it, what have I done?  I love him so much and now I've completely blown it by playing hard to get.  This can't be happening.
He quickly found that hands are more than a suitable replacement for a blindfold. 
What is this?  Sight regained and focus realigned?  Well shit the bed.  Defrag has successfully filtered out all data corruption and made the world a better place.
Anybody for high tens?  It's more fun than fives.
Ahhhh, whale music is indeed more soothing than a long soak in a piping hot bath.
The atmosphere is crushed as the unpleasant and dysfunctional sound of One Direction assaults the arena.
TURN THAT FUCKING SHIT OFF.  [Slight delay] Thank you.  I have a rather important announcement to make.  I LOVE TAKE THAT!
Yes, I've admittedly made the most embarrassing and unnecessary roar in movie history and while I feel smaller than a baby carrot, the contents of your boxers remains more amusing.
Where are you going chicken shit?  Come the fuck back here.
Attempting any of these impossible aerial or grounded positions would make for fascinating additions to the Kama Sutra.
That's how I like it.  One more, just one more blow should complete my fantasy of unparalleled pleasure and ecstasy. 
Now you know how it feels, right?
Say it?  SAY IT?
Alright, alright - I... love... you.
Oh Chong... 
Please, don't say anything more but whatever happened tonight, I arranged for a free bar in the Candy Cobra.
(Well ring my bell, it sounds like a plan).  
The following day, Frank goes to see Ray who is still recuperating in hospital... 

Ray, how do you feel?  Before I go any further, let me finish.  [Silence].
I have something to tell you, it's about Chong.  [Look of resignation and sheer horror].
He got me pissed in Candy Cobra and tried it on but nothing happened. 
Okay, I was tempted but I soon realised that you are more important to me than that hunky beefcake because his chat lines of grunting left a lot to be desired.
To cut a long story short.  Will you marry me?
Yes of course I will, you big lug.
Dux and Jackson promptly tied the knot in a discreet location but as vows were exchanged, Chong burst in clearly pissed and pissed off.  "You didn't mean it eh?  What about [hiccough] when you, ah yer' bastard [hiccough], ordered extra pepperoni on your pizza?"

"Ray, he's lying, it was salami."  "I hate pepperoni."

Clearly frustrated by Frank's frequent denial, a less than well directed swing was aimed at Ray.  The strike was so off target, Chong collapsed in an embarrassing and drunken heap.

Ray and Frank made a break for it leaving Chong to stew in his sorrow and jealously.

The marriage turned out to be shotgun because due to intense arguments over who should be white or red in Karate Champ, things eventually got strained.  Divorce was quickly filed and was an open and shut case when Ray was caught having an affair with International Karate.

Janice accepts Frank's confusion over his sexuality and after a discussion, they both agree that it would be unfair for any sort of relationship to take place.  A parting gesture of rock, paper, scissors and stone seemed the right thing to do.  Also, she was now educated in knowing that the bird is the word.
Who would win if a such a match up was arranged, either then or now?


The result will remain inconclusive.

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