Sunday, 28 October 2012

Bad cover art - Take 1

There has been some desperately poor sleeve art that pollutes the entertainment industry in the past and present.  I really do despair of how truly wonderful cover design (of whatever type) can be.

I'm telling you straight, it will be truly horrible, horrific and horrendous.

The imagery contained is more frightening than a horror marathon.

My own unique comment will be added and this is no-holds barred.

If the cover art you are about to see won't raise a chortle or two, maybe my opinion will.

Suffice to say, each set may be unsuitable for some who are allergic to humour.

Apart from the ridiculous premise, white camels and 'red' pyramids?  C'mon! 
This is an uncomfortable situation for these 'babes'.  If the leering wasn't bad enough, what is the deal with that sun?  Also, what exactly is the statue on the far left doing supposed to be doing with his hand?  Keeping it warm.  Ugh!
Hmmm, the guy in blue is presumably waiting for the dumb ass in yellow pants to fall victim to his foot.  What is this shit? 
What a wonderful Indiana Jones imitation with equally unconvincing enemies.  Wait a minute, this game's called Fred and that girl is presumably Fred.  What?
Yeah, this is what we need.  'Wesker' with a katana taking on Wolverine's claws.
It appears JCVD has mutant abilities hence the Cyclops mask.  Is that pop gun really needed?  Oh, this doesn't fall under the category of 'same title, different game' shit.
The BBFC forced Valve to change the direction as the fingers were originally facing the other way as it was deemed to be too offensive.  Madness!
I know exactly how this volcanic face feels...
What fearful opponents.  Could they have been drawn any more pathetic and rigid?
This is priceless.  Her impressive barnet is matched only by her breasts.  Is the cover art basically proposing an imminent sick and depraved orgy with a bunch of horny gremlins?  Prohibit access to water.
I couldn't care less if it really said he's the meanest son of a bitch you've seen!  It's terrible.  So what if he's the Human Killing Machine, all somebody has to do is approach him from behind and light his fuse and this snake is going boom.  I mean honestly, what the fuck were these guys on?
I take it they couldn't pay the electricity bill.  I bet this guy is glad to have been kept in the dark.
I wish I could block out this piece of shit.  What's the matter, too ashamed to show your face?

Did anybody honestly think that at any point of shooting this was actually a good idea?  This just degrades toilet humour.  At least the title was self aware.

Urrrrrggggghhhhhhh, what a terrifying zombie I am.

He's not clowning around?  Aaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!  They were just stoned.
Could this be any cornier?  Could it be any worse?  How about Jurassic Dolphin, Eek from the Deep.
You really can't prevent this sort of shit, you just can't.
Hard Gore?  They would have been better off replacing the G with a 'C'  and made a 'different ' type of movie rather than this shower.
Here's another example of a truly frightening villain that is going to make everybody buy this movie because of this horrific sleeve art.
If they are not taking the piss, they are definitely REALLY taking the piss.
Why does this dude look so pleased?  I'd be frankly embarrassed. 
Oh shit, my air supply is cut off.  Okay, let me predict his thoughts.  I'm going to drown before I get the bends and hence, this guy seems in genuine distress.  It's alright mate, there is peace in death, that you couldn't find in life.
A great game deserves so much better cover art, it's atrocious at best.
Right, let's take a long hard look at this.  Hi girls, take a look at my machinery.  What the hell happens when it's flacid?  I bet it's a bitch to play a tune on.
This typifies why BBFC guidelines make no fucking sense.  Yep, that's a vibrator in his jacket.
The BBFC forced Left 4 Dead 2 to have a digit direction change, so can somebody please tell me why this is any less offensive?
If this is BMX Ninja, why is there a Tony Hawk wannabe present?  Has that ninja really got an antenna on his helmet?
My sympathies go out to anybody who's been unfortunate enough to be flashed by this freak.
Oh boil my bollocks, why didn't Valve use this cover art to appeal and challenge the BBFC in the High Court?  There is no difference and is designed to offend in every way.
I don't think his signature weapon is a suitable replacement for a 9I.
Is it a bird, is it a plane?  No, it's one of the most sickest excuses for a video game char in the universe.  This shit may look innocent enough but for those who don't know, the protagonist's job is to kill its host.  Wonderful!
Ghostly and tortured apparitions imprisoned within transparent spheres.  Yes, that's really relevant to this particular game.  What a bunch of assholes.  
Well what'd d'yer know, it's a mutant fish amphibian hybrid and for company, a dick faced fish and the yellow submarine below.  This game had a host of names including Nebulus.  Did the in-game sprite really look like this eccentric freak of nature?  That's a rhetorical question. 
Errrrr, what are you pointing at?  Don't you know it's rude to point.  I guess not.  BTW, I'm loving her beard.  Be gone, hideous crones. 
What happened here?  A painted green wig with a costume to make him practically invisible providing he's against a draughts board.
Okay guys, that's a rap for Take 1.  We'll take five and I'll be back with more.

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