Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Bloodsport: Genesis

Bloodsport is a cult martial arts yarn.  Van Damme is known for many action and high kicking vehicles but I'd confidently suggest that this is his most famous effort based on the life of Frank W. Dux.

Few can also forget Bolo Yeung's typically insane portrayal of Chong Li who was apparently based on a real fighter.


This is not a literal adaptation and more of a comedic re-imagining.  The following events did happen but not as you fondly remember...


Hajime!

So, do you want to hold hands or play patty cake?
They'll never generate or summon the amount of mystic friction that Mr. Miyagi did...
Frank, be careful out there.  If they put you down on your ass, it becomes their property and who knows what they might do with it.
Sticks - a genuine assist to those that have done more splits than a banana. 
Pain is a positive sensation that the mind invents.  However, on this occasion,  SSSSSSHHHHHIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT!  You sadistic bastard, give me some fucking slack.
The Hitler salute was met with some resistance.
ZZZZZZZZ, Frank, hmmm, what?  This asshole is boring me, let's play International Karate?  Fuck that, Karate Champ or nothing.
Wow Jackson, who needs a Dragon Punch or Cammy as this is better than sex.  Yes Ray, I'm nearly there, just give me a few more seconds and... there it is.  Do you have more quarters so I can wear red pyjamas next time?
Hey Frank, have you heard?
About what?
You gotta be shitting me...
No.
About the bird you ignorant bitch.  I'm telling you that this is no ordinary bird and it's the word. Papa ooma mow mow... 
 I can't have sex with you, I've just been told that I'm an ignorant bitch for not knowing about the bird so a series of intimate rhythmic movements is obviously beyond me. 
Now who's the American asshole?  Actually, can we make it best out of three because I'd rather tap the ass of a decaying walrus than hers. 
You Win.
Perfect.
Time 6700.
Vital 30000.
Bonus 36700.
WAIT, you slap happy vest wearing pussy.
(SSSSShhhhhhhh) my bitches, let me watch this new piece of Kumite fluff.  Phoarrr, he could break my bricks any day of the week...
The Dim Mak or 'Death Touch' requires intense concentration and a comical stare to frighten Medusa. 
He was surprised to find that the bricks had been hollowed out and poked with dog shit.  The organisers quickly regretted their practical joke as the intense aroma that followed was simply overwhelming.   
Very good, but shit not hit back.  (He he he, that's the hook baited and with a line like that, it's just a matter of time before he bites).
I'd better not fuck with Chong Li as he holds all the records, including fastest knockout.  I may look cooler than ice but his stare is making me melt.  Meeting a man like him is convincing me that I might be on the other bus.
You so much look at Chong Li or Dux again and I'll fuck you up.   And you know what else, I can arrange it.
Hmmm, best foot forward I think.  Yeah, that should floor this oil painting.
That's exactly what I'd do given the chance, only with my  pecks.  (Grunt) impressive, so very impressive.  
Altogether now, Kumite, Kumite, Kumite.
He quickly regretted swilling down the previous shit mixture. 
Here it is, smell it baby and smell it good because you'll never be given another opportunity.
I'll keep him dangling like a rod arcing into the water but when this fish gets too close, I'll pull away quicker than Usain Bolt.
So will Bolo get his man (or any other) and will it be a happy ending for all concerned?

I insist that you re-tune your set top box to see what tricks this romantic endeavour will conjure up next.

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