Saturday, 19 January 2013

Bad cover art - Take 4

Cruncher Factory
Cruncher factory, more like shit factory.  I bet this alternative Pac-Man really hates eating those peculiar buildings.  That has to be the most least convincing ghost I have ever seen.  
Bram Stoker's Dracula's Guest
An Officer and a Gentleman has a lot to answer for...
Gateworld
Back in 1993, dignity wasn't held in high regard.
A Room for Romeo Brass
Pants!
Howling II
The original was a cult classic and famous for some very impressive transformation effects.  How can this be a suitable cover for a horror film as this couldn't frighten a wingless fly surrounded by a gang of horny arachnids.
Quiw!
Is this some kind of sick and twisted variation on Alice in Wonderland?   
Metro
Look I know my portrayal of Alex Foley was irritating but there's no need to shoot me.
Pilot Dow: Behind Enemy Lines
This is frankly unacceptable and totally terrible.  I've seen more effort from a frustrated burger flipper. 
Ratman
Dur dur, squeak, squeak.  It appears that this is among the worst rip-offs of Jaws ever.
Sum 41 - Does This Look Infected?
Shit, I missed my ear.  Does this look infected?  No, this looks fucked.
Bad Manners
Your tongue encourages my bad manners in telling this cover art to fuck right off.
Time Bandit
It's awkward, corny and it's absolutely shit.  If only I was looking at a title with an 's' at the end of these two words then I'd be looking at Randall, Robin Hood and time holes. 
Lone Soldier
A lone asshole designed this piece of chunky shit.  Why is there a target on his gun hole, oh I know, they got confused with his forehead.
Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu
Due to the quality of this wonderful representation of Mr. Chan, they might as well have used a mountain of manure.
Last Battle
If I was this sprite, I'd be getting really fucking angry...
Die Hard Arcade
Apart from the vest, I am unable to give a decent explanation for this fabulous fuck up. 
Fighting Force 2
It's Lone Solider, the unofficial sequel.
Fiendish Freddy's Big Top O' Fun
This convinces everybody that no clown, no matter how friendly, is friendly.  His tongue draping like a badly folded towel just adds to the horror.
Eye of Horus
Samuel L. Jackson stated had to deal with snakes on crack in B-movie effort Snakes on a Plane.  Allow me to present, Horus on Steroids.
The Happiest Days of Your Life
A perverted and demented descendant of The Krankies legs it from a psychotic mortar board wearing stereotype.  They are made for each other. 
Anma's Frantic
Frantic and fucked, childish and chastised, demented and dangerous,  tortured and tormented.  Yup, that just about sums up the designer...
4D Boxing
It doesn't matter what dimension or angle this is viewed in, it won't make things any fucking better.
Phalanx
To millions, this is famous for all the wrong reasons.   To this day, I still want to know what the FUCKING connection is between a bearded pensioner playing a banjo and a spaceship?  Nope, it meant nothing then and still means nothing now.  Rocky wanted to know why Mickey has been stickin' it to him and at least he gets to find out.  For once, the PAL and Japanese art was sensibly different. 
Black Belt
Well after Phalanx, the mood is lightened with Master System.   The time it took for the design of this is shorter than the average piss and subsequent toilet flush.
Zillion
Err, yeah - a microwave oven.  The game involves platforms, not micro chips or any other type of microwaveable fodder.
Fighting Fury
As a seasoned gaming veteran, I know of much cover art and this is hilariously FUCKING SHIT.  If this doesn't encourage fury, I don't know what can.
The Ninja
Another superb example.  The toilet flushes another turd...
Superspike V'Ball
Prap!  I think there's a similar word I can think of that rhymes...  Oh, it begins with 'C'.
Isolated Warrior
Cover art can be basked in gold, or basked in tumultuous turmoil.   I love rhetorical questions almost as much as I hate mainstream music.
Player Manager
After skying a penalty in the final of the World Cup, I always celebrate by attacking the goal net and for that brief moment, I couldn't be any fucking happier.
Resident Evil Outbreak
Capcom my old friend, recycle a failed scare tactic from Resident Evil 2 and use it for a different failure.  Incidentally, forgive my knowledge radar but this is virtually replicated on the back sleeve art of awful zombie film The Zombie Farm.  Unfortunately I can't prove it but trust me, it's true.

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